Jennifer Dies in Jail

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.
Alone, cold and afraid.
Lying on a two-inch foam pad covered in plastic
Smelling of urine, sweat, vomit and feces.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.
The concrete floor radiates cold, gray nothingness
Up through the pad and presses against my warm cheek.
I can’t lift my head nor move my arms.
My head pounds and my heart races.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

My screams burn in my throat, but I can’t speak.
I try to call out, but my lips won’t form the words.
Why doesn’t anyone come?
Please don’t leave me here.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

I’m a mother, a daughter.
I have loved and I have been loved.
I matter.
Don’t just leave me here.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

My lungs are heavy and I am tired.
Sleep beckons to me in the dark.
A single, bright bulb burns above me,
Glaring at me like a judgmental guard.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

My body dissolves and becomes part of the concrete below me.
Movement is beyond reach
I feel the light slowly extinguish
Darkness swirls into the cell like rolling waves of smoke.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

I awake, but instead of lying helpless
I look down on myself
From outside the poisoned body full of liquor and pills
A stranger now…who is that person lying on the floor.

It’s me.

I abandon my body like a hermit crab moves out of his shell
The pain is gone, as is the cold and dark.
I look to my left and I see it!
The most beautiful, brilliant, warm light.

Its outstretched arms glisten in beams of absolute perfection and splendor.
The love of every mother for her daughter
Welcomes me into its embrace.
Love, Light and Beauty.

And to my daughter, I say, “Please forgive me.”